The Battle To Be Real
May I be honest with you? I'm struggling right now. You would think being forced to stay inside and keep still to make sure Tess does the same would be an easy job. After all, I love to stay in, and working from bed isn't a hardship for me. But, the task is more complex than it first seemed. As it turns out, there's a big difference between getting to stay home and do the things you need and want to do around the house and having to stay home and do some of the things you need and want to do while watching the rest of the house fall apart around you.
Before Tess' surgery, I was already battling anxiety again. It assaulted me out of nowhere, and I was firmly in its grip before I knew it. The days since her surgery have not eased the anxiety any, and there's been a sense of melancholy and almost despair encompassing me. I can't explain it, and the harder I try to fight it, the deeper into it I sink. I find my own company upsetting because I'm in such a horrible mood, and it's terrible when you can't stand to be around yourself. I'm doing my best to keep my attitude and energy in check, especially for Tess' sake since dogs are pretty sensitive to their owners' emotions. But the truth is, I need your prayers.
I've been in such a funk that I didn't even want to write a devotional today. My thoughts were, What can I share with others when I can't even get myself together? And that's when God reminded me of something I shared with a group of ladies at a retreat back in May.
Have you ever read The Velveteen Rabbit? Until a year ago, I couldn't tell you much about the book other than that it was about a rabbit who longed to be real. But, when I was preparing to speak at our ladies' retreat, the Lord led me to the book, and I was so blessed. The entire book is terrific, and I encourage you to read it, but my favorite part was the dialogue between the Skin Horse (another toy) and the Velveteen Rabbit. Check this out:
"Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'
'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit.
'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.'
'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?'
'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
Isn't that one of the most beautiful descriptions of being real? Friends, that's what I want to be. My hair has been loved off, my eyes are drooping, and my joints are definitely loose, so I might as well be honest with you. I'm not perfect. I don't have it all together. Some days, I struggle to be what I ought to be. And honestly, sometimes, I don't even know who I am. But I know God loves me anyway.
Yes, being authentic is hard. It hurts to admit our faults, but the truth is, it hurts more to cover them up. I often wonder what people would think of me if they knew the battles I faced within. I've doubted whether I should be on the mission field when some days I have to give myself a pep talk to get out of bed and face the day. What if I'm myself and nobody likes me? I'm not exactly Ms. Popular as it is, but what if I'm honest and let people see that I'm socially awkward and prefer the company of my dog to that of people? What will they think of me then?
Dear one, I don't know what you're facing today, but please know you can be yourselves (even if you don't like who you are right now). Don't feel you have to hide your pain. It doesn't matter what others think. As the Skin Horse put it, "Once you're Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
Be honest with yourselves and others. God loves you no matter what. He made you who you are. You are fashioned in His image. If others don't like that, so what? We're not here to make each other happy. We're here to honor God; we can't do that if we're playing games and not being genuine. We all have tough days or even weeks. That's part of life in a fallen world. You be you and don't be afraid of what others may think. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. - Ephesians 2:10