I still remember the first time I said it out loud: “Lord, my body is trying to kill me.”

It had been one of those days with joints on fire, muscles shaking, and fatigue so heavy I felt like I was wading through molasses. Meanwhile, my immune system was acting like an overzealous security guard, tackling anything that moved, including innocent bystanders like my thyroid and joints.

In my mind, my body had become the enemy.
And then there was that verse: “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.” (Psalm 139:14)

I’ll be honest. At that moment, I really struggled with that verse.

“Fearfully and wonderfully made?” I grumbled. “Lord, this feels more like fearfully and wonderfully malfunctioning.”

For those of us with autoimmune disease or chronic illness, there’s a special kind of heartbreak in feeling like your own body has betrayed you.

Okay, I'll admit it. I'm a bit of a Star Wars nerd.

Not a full costume at the midnight premiere level, but enough to know that today, May the 4th, the galaxy far, far away shows up in every social media feed, coffee shop chalkboard, and text message chain on the planet. "May the fourth be with you." Ha, ha! It gets me every time!

But behind all the puns, the Yoda memes, and the lightsaber sound effects, there's a concept in Star Wars that ought to make every Christian sit up a little straighter in their seat. In George Lucas's world, the greatest danger a Jedi faces isn't the enemy in front of him. It's the Dark Side within him. And the gateway to that darkness? Anger. Fear. Aggression.

Hmm. That sounds awfully familiar, doesn't it?

Because if I flip over to my Bible, specifically to Galatians 5, I find a list that reads a lot like a Dark Side recruitment brochure:

There's a particular kind of tired that has absolutely nothing to do with sleep.

I know it well. It's the kind that sets in when you've been fighting the same battle for so long you've forgotten what it felt like not to be fighting it. Maybe it's a health issue that just won't cooperate. Maybe it's a relationship that's draining every last drop of your energy. Maybe it's a financial situation, a ministry that feels like it's going nowhere, or just the relentless, grinding weight of everyday life when your body hurts, your heart is heavy, and the ceiling seems to be the only thing your prayers are reaching.

Been there? Yeah. Me too.

And on those days, the last thing I want is someone breezing in with a bright smile, chirping, "Just keep trusting Jesus!" as if that's something I hadn't thought of.

You know the feeling. Your phone rings, and even before you answer, your shoulders tense up. Somebody needs something…again. And you love them. You really do. But somewhere between the third crisis this week and the fact that you haven't slept well in days, you catch yourself wondering if maybe you're just done with it all. And then you feel guilty for thinking it.

If that's you today, friend, pull up a chair. We need to talk.

Here's the thing nobody tells you when you sign up for loving people well: compassion, if you're not careful, can crush you. Not because something is wrong with you, but because you are human, with a finite supply of strength, emotional bandwidth, and, let's be honest, patience. You were never designed to carry the weight of the world. That job was already taken.

Throughout our years of hiking, Jason and I have encountered some...well, let's just say... Interesting river and ravine crossings. I remember standing at the edge of a narrow rope bridge one day, staring at the yawning drop beneath it and wondering who in their right mind thought that was a good idea. I could see the bridge. I knew it was there. I could even agree that it was technically "a way" across that great divide, but my knuckles were white on the railing, and my feet were not cooperating. I believed in the bridge, but I didn't yet trust it, at least not enough to march my nervous self right out to the middle of it.

The Step That Matters

That's the difference we often gloss over when we tell people, "Just believe in Jesus, and you'll be saved."

This morning, my mind wandered, which honestly isn't unusual. But this time, it wandered somewhere worth following.

I was thinking about three stories I've loved since childhood: The Ugly Duckling, The Velveteen Rabbit, and The Trumpet of the Swan. Here are three characters who had absolutely no business being the hero of anyone's story, or so the world around them thought. A gangly gray bird that didn't look like anyone else. A scruffy stuffed rabbit who was losing his button eyes and had the stuffing loved right out of him. A trumpeter swan named Louis, who couldn't make a sound and was silent in a world that communicated entirely through song.

It didn't take long to notice the thread running through all three stories. Each one of these characters was, by all outward appearances, broken. Unfit. The square peg in the round hole.

I thought I knew my Bible birds: sparrows, eagles, ravens, and even the poor rooster that unwittingly took part in Peter's darkest hour. But recently, I met a new feathered friend, and I can't believe I've been overlooking it all these years. Allow me to introduce the bittern.

I know, it sounds more like a stomach issue than a bird. But this "crazy" bird has completely captured my imagination. The bittern appears in several places in Scripture, tucked away in verses about ruined cities becoming lonely, marshy places: "I will also make it a possession for the bittern, and pools of water..." (Isaiah 14:23). It's a secretive marsh bird that blends so well with the reeds that you can stare right at it and never see it.

Here's the part that really struck me. When danger approaches, the bittern doesn't flap around, screech, or take off in a panic.

I've been watching birds from my bedroom window long enough to know the regulars. There's the suet ball crew of sparrows, blue tits, and starlings as loyal as a Tuesday morning prayer meeting. Then there's the odd assortment of birds ranging from pigeons to chaffinches, who show up on the driveway every morning like clockwork when the birdseed hits the pavement. They're sweet. They're faithful. And I enjoy studying them from the sliding glass door of my office.

Recently, Jason hung a new seed feeder out by the clothesline post. It's a little farther from the house, but still in a good enough spot to watch from the kitchen window. For a while, absolutely nothing happened. The birds ignored it so completely that I was starting to feel personally offended. We put the same seed in there! What's the problem?!

Then, one cautious little bird swooped in to investigate.

Can I tell you about three men who should have smelled terrible?

Picture it. Babylon, circa 600 B.C. King Nebuchadnezzar has erected a golden image ninety feet tall and commanded every living soul at the ceremony to bow down and worship it. The penalty for non-compliance? A furnace. 

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego refused to bow.

So, they were hauled before the king and given one last chance to comply. When they politely declined, with what I can only imagine was the most serene look on their faces, they were bound and thrown into that furnace. It was so hot that the soldiers who threw them in were killed just by getting near the opening. The flames swallowed those three faithful men whole.

And then... nothing.

Well, not nothing. Nebuchadnezzar leaped to his feet in a panic. "Did we not cast three men bound into the midst of the fire?" His advisors confirmed it.

In Acts 1, after Jesus was taken up, the disciples stood there staring into heaven until the angels asked, "Ye men of Galilee, why stand ye gazing up into heaven?" The angels went on to say, "this same Jesus, which is taken up from you into heaven, shall so come in like manner as ye have seen him go into heaven." Luke 24:49 also shows that this was not the end of their journey because Jesus had already told them to wait until they were "endued with power from on high."

I can just picture it. One minute, they're standing on the mount with Jesus. The next, He's gone into the clouds, and they're all doing the first-century version of standing in the grocery store parking lot asking, "Now what?" No five-step plan. No laminated ministry packet. No "Disciples' Guide to What to Do After the Ascension." Just a sky full of clouds and a heart full of questions.

Honestly, I can relate.