Finding a New Way
The past few weeks have been full of prayer, reflection, and wrestling with many things. Amid my physical difficulties, I realized my condition reached far beyond my body. My mind was tired and distracted. My emotions were frayed. My heart was hard. And my spirit was weary. In short, I had hit a wall.
After months of waiting last year to see our visa issues resolved, we hit the ground running in January and haven’t stopped running long enough to catch our breaths. The result of the continuous rush and push left me feeling like the very worst version of myself, and I knew something had to change. Sure, I was ministering, but the truth is, the way I was doing the work of God was destroying the work of God in me. The fruit of the Spirit within me was rotting. I was going through the motions, but my heart wasn’t really in it. My days were filled with checklists and appointments but very little joy or peace.
It took the forced slow down from my back issues to open my eyes to what was going on in my heart and life. While it’s taken a lot of time and prayer to determine the source of my issues, I’ve realized that I’ve allowed my mind to become a gathering place for every critical, angry, ugly, and accusatory thought. And while those thoughts were sometimes directed toward someone else, more often than not, they were aimed at me. Here are just a few of the lies I’ve been taking in:
Good missionaries get involved in every area on their field and volunteer for service at every opportunity.
Good missionaries spend their days out and about with the people not secluded in their office.
Good missionaries attend every service and meeting in the area, no matter how tired or achy they may be.
Good writers write daily, not just when they can squeeze it in.
Good writers these days do more than just write. They also teach online classes, shoot YouTube videos, and create marketing materials that compel readers to buy their books or sign up for their newsletters.
Good writers make up a publishing schedule and stick with it to publish at least one book per year.
Real Christians don’t struggle with anxiety and depression.
Real Christians don’t need to take time off from the ministry because their strength is in the Lord; therefore, they shouldn’t be tired or weary.
Real Christians serve the Lord with gladness and never feel overwhelmed, unappreciated, or overlooked.
With all that chaos inside my head, is it any wonder I felt on the brink of a complete and total breakdown? My thoughts constantly told me I wasn’t enough, so I was driving myself crazy trying to prove them wrong. I pushed myself to the limits, striving to do everything and be everything I felt I should be, constantly comparing my efforts to those of others.
What I failed to consider is that I’m not like anyone else. I’m me. I have my own strengths and weaknesses, physical limitations, personality traits, and the like. I also have my own path—the one God has called me to walk. I can’t compare my life, work, or ministry to anyone else. And while I know that, I had allowed myself to become so distracted with the work, I lost sight of all else. I became so consumed with doing the work of God that I neglected the work of God within me. I allowed myself to drift away and grow cold.
Now that I’ve identified this problem area, I’m working to repair the damage that’s been done in my heart and mind and to correct my way of thinking. My treatment has many parts. The first, of course, is rest. My body and mind need time to heal and refresh. I’ve pushed too hard for too long, and now I’m paying the price.
Next, I’ve decided to take a break from all social media. So, if you’re following me on Facebook, Pinterest, TikTok, or YouTube, you won’t see me there for a while. I need to come away from the drama and the comparative nature I often feel when I see posts of someone else’s perfect meal, dream job, and the like.
Lastly, I’m prioritizing my quiet time with the Lord. This may mean having less time for writing or ministering during this period of healing, but if that’s what it takes for me to get myself back in step with the Lord, it’s necessary.
As I contemplated writing this post, another voice in my head began to scream, “You can’t write that! Everyone will think you’re a fraud. No one will ever listen to you again if you admit you don’t have it all together. How can you even call yourself a Christian and a missionary?”
To that, I stick out my tongue and say, “That’s quite enough! I don’t have to listen to you, and I’m choosing to ignore your taunts. I don’t believe my confession will make others believe I’m a fraud. On the contrary, I believe it will help them to see I’m human. I don’t have it all together, and if I did, I wouldn’t be much of a help to anyone, would I? How could I relate? How could I empathize? As for calling myself a Christian and missionary, the last time I checked, God doesn’t call the qualified but rather qualifies the called. So, while I’m far from perfect, there is no doubt in my mind that God is still working in, on, and through me.”
So, there you have it. While I will do my best to keep up with a couple of blogs each week, I can’t make any promises. As I said, my priority right now is to renew my mind and refresh my spirit. I already feel much better than I did a couple of weeks ago, but I want to give myself plenty of time to heal. And then, when I resume my workload, I aim to find a better, less stressful way to work. I appreciate your prayers as I embark on this journey, and I pray that, in some way, God can use my current battle to help and encourage you.