It's Not Supposed To Be This Way!
Sometimes, in this Christian walk, we’re just going along doing God’s will to the very best of our ability when a freight train of misery crashes into us, leaving us thinking, “It’s not supposed to be this way.” Now, I know some people have this Pollyanna idea that the Christian life is a bed of roses, but I know better. In fact, most Christians do. That being said, I still often find myself sitting amid dirty tissues, sobbing from the utmost part of my heart, “God, it’s not supposed to be this way!” The children of Israel certainly understood where I’m coming from.
In Judges 20, there’s a civil war going on. The tribe of Benjamin had allowed sin in the camp, and the other tribes of Israel weren’t going to stand for it. After giving the tribe of Benjamin a chance to surrender the offenders to them and Benjamin’s refusal to do any such thing, the other tribes had no choice but to go to war against their “brothers.”
These men of Israel were standing up for what was right and doing right by God. And to be certain they weren’t taking matters into their own hands, they sought God’s counsel.
“And the children of Israel arose, and went up to the house of God, and asked counsel of God, and said, Which of us shall go up first to the battle against the children of Benjamin? And the Lord said, Judah shall go up first.”
There you have it. God told them to fight and even gave instructions on who was to lead the battle. With God’s blessing, Israel rose to fight against Benjamin, and 22,000 Israelites died. Yes, the Israelites from the other tribes. The good guys. The ones who were doing right. The ones to whom God gave the directions to go. That’s not supposed to happen, right? God told them to go. They were defending His honor and trying to keep His commandments, so why did they face such defeat? Before we answer that, let’s see how they responded.
“And the people the men of Israel encouraged themselves, and set their battle again in array in the place where they put themselves in array the first day. (And the children of Israel went up and wept before the Lord until even, and asked counsel of the Lord, saying, Shall I go up again to battle against the children of Benjamin my brother? And the Lord said, Go up against him.) And the children of Israel came near against the children of Benjamin the second day.”
The children of Israel first encouraged themselves in the Lord, much like David did when hiding in the wilderness and running for his life. The next thing they did was to confirm their orders. After all, they were probably thinking, “Hmm, it’s not supposed to be this way! If God said for us to go, we should have won, so maybe we didn’t hear Him right. Let’s check again.” So, they did, and once again, God gave them their marching orders—go and fight. But look at what happened:
“And Benjamin went forth against them out of Gibeah the second day, and destroyed down to the ground of the children of Israel again eighteen thousand men; all these drew the sword. Then all the children of Israel, and all the people, went up, and came unto the house of God, and wept, and sat there before the Lord, and fasted that day until even, and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings before the Lord.”
What is going on? I can hear the Israelites now. “Lord, we asked You, and You said go. So we went, and they’ve nearly destroyed us. How can we serve You if You allow them to keep killing off our soldiers? This makes no sense!”
I felt the same way a couple of weeks ago when I realized my battle with adrenal fatigue was far from over. After months of self-isolation and going about life at a more leisurely pace, Jason and I got back into the full swing of deputation, and my body immediately protested. For days, I moved around like a zombie, too tired to do anything or even care about doing anything. It seemed the only thing I could do was cry about how tired and helpless I felt. My body ached. My head throbbed. My stomach churned. And my heart screamed, “Lord, it’s not supposed to be this way! I’m trying to serve You. We have too much to do. Too many miles to travel. Too many devotions to write. Too many books to plan. Too many churches to visit. We’re on a mission—a mission You called us to. How am I supposed to accomplish Your will if I’m too tired to lift my head? This makes no sense!”
Yes, I’ve come to understand the frustration and confusion the children of Israel had during this battle. But, at the same time, I’ve taken great comfort in the rest of the story.
“And the children of Israel enquired of the Lord, (for the ark of the covenant of God was there in those days, And Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron, stood before it in those days,) saying, Shall I yet again go out to battle against the children of Benjamin my brother, or shall I cease? And the Lord said, Go up; for to morrow I will deliver them into thine hand…And the Lord smote Benjamin before Israel: and the children of Israel destroyed of the Benjamites that day twenty and five thousand and an hundred men: all these drew the sword.”
Victory at last! It took three tries and cost a lot of lives, but Israel finally won the battle. I honestly don’t know why God delayed. I have no idea why He allowed so many to lose their lives in this situation. Maybe He was reminding them to depend on His strength and not their own, much like when He reduced the size of Gideon’s army. I genuinely don’t know. What I do know, however, is that God came through. Israel kept trying, kept fighting, and kept seeking God’s will. They didn’t give up when they grew discouraged. They didn’t turn around when it seemed all hope was lost. They kept pressing on, and so will I. It may not be the way I want it to be or the way I think it’s supposed to be, but right now, it’s where God has me. So, I can complain about it or do like Israel did and encourage myself in the Lord. I think I’ll choose the latter. How about you?